The first thing that you should do is to take a quick step back and appraise your life. For too long you have been looking from the inside out of your life, and you may not be able to spot the mistakes that you have been making, so you need to get yourself out of this perspective and look at the big picture. When you are able to look at the blueprint of your life, then you will be able to see what areas you need to strategise.

Next, you need to breathe deep and find a space where you can meditate and relax. A clear and focused mind is one of the most important things you need to have to be able to regain your confidence and self esteem. When your mind is cluttered with negative thoughts or of work (they are one and the same sometimes), then you are not able to concentrate on the act itself.

You now need to strategise. What is it you want to do. Set down clear objectives of what you want to achieve in regards to your own personal development and set out from there. It can be anything from just gaining a little confidence, too being able to talk to the girl you always liked or to even excel at presentations at work. The thing about this is that when one thing happens, it will spill over to the rest of your life.

Make a list of the things that are uniquely you – the positives and the negatives and with this list, you can now find out what is so bad about you and what your natural gifts are. This way you know what to concentrate on and what areas in your life need improvement. When making this list, always recruit the help of your peers and the people that are around you a lot, and by doing so, your list will more accurately reflect the good and bad about you.

Another thing you need to understand is the need to celebrate you achievements as much as you can, and this is the method of channelling as much positive energy as you can to yourself. Whenever you reach a milestone, have a small celebration and involve as many people as you can. This way, the positive energy counter will build up in your favour.

Also, make a list of these achievements, and this will be called your feel good list. Look at it anytime you need to so that you will feel good about yourself, especially during the times of duress in your life. This list can mean the difference between slipping back into areas of low self esteem and the road to a more confident and convincing you.

Last but not least, you need to track your ‘emotional progress’ – to say the least. Knowing whether or not you are improving will help you to re assess the methods that you are using as well as allow you to understand the seriousness of the problem. If conventional methods like these do not work, then a psychologist could be of help to you. ]]> http://www.more-confident.com/how-to-raise-self-esteem-in-7-quick-steps/feed/ 0 http://www.more-confident.com/self-esteem-and-self-concept/ http://www.more-confident.com/self-esteem-and-self-concept/#comments Fri, 12 Jun 2009 09:26:25 +0000 Admin http://www.more-confident.com/?p=113 In the area of science of the mind and psychology, the definition of self esteem has many technical variations, but there is an umbrella concept that can adequately explain what self esteem and the concept of the self is actually. In laymen terms, self esteem is how a person measure’s his overall worth and this can be attributed to the sum total of his own gifts and abilities versus his perceived failures. When talking with jargon and terms lime ‘worth’, perhaps you may be assuming that there is some mathematics to the soul; and in this case there is – of sorts.

There are established psychological tests and appraisals that allow the psychologist or the therapist to actually measure self esteem. While the numbers will never be accurate there will be scales of measurement and generalities that they can be placed in. About 50 years ago, one social learning theorist named Morris Rosenberg came up with the Rosenberg self esteem scale, which is one of the measuring tools used to assess how much of the potential self esteem in a person is being used as well as how they appraised the ’self’. Rosenberg believed that worth could be taken on to its literal meaning, that there was some sort of human currency to be measured and this currency, this value, this rate was actually measured by the person himself.

Others argued that self esteem is not something to be placed on a scale, because it was a basic human need, a crucial element in human psychology and the make up of the human personality. Everyone needs self esteem and no one can survive without it. Another camp believes that self esteem is something that is automatic within us, in the sense of the consciousness and the subconscious at work. Of course, when we are talking about self esteem, we understand the processes that lead up to its build up happens in the subconscious, which opens up much more theories of the process of cortical and neural evolution and how it ties in with emotional maturity and processes in the brain that gravitates around personality, character, rationale and confidence.

It is no mystery that all these areas are related, and that the subconscious has a part to play in all of this. To put it simply, the subconscious has always been seen as the director of all human emotions, perceived or not, and self esteem, confidence and assertiveness are large parts of this equation. This is where the idea of the self concept also comes in, as the self concept is how one perceives one self, and this is the neural imprint of their perceived self. This person may be either higher or lower (in image) than the person that is represented in real life. A person with high confidence might project an image of a person that is much better than what they really are, and the confidence makes up for the difference. If you believe you are that good, then others will too.

The next thing that you need to do is to make a list of the strengths that you have. These can range from your internal gifts, your aptitudes, your character traits which make you a good person and the abilities that you have either possessed or developed over the years. If possible, recruit the help of people that know you the best in this, as they will be able to give you a different perspective as well. Sometimes, our low elf esteem can get in the way of recognising the strengths that we have inside and this can be a problem when creating this list. You need to understand that this is important because it allows us to recognise what we are good at and then change the focus of different areas of our lives. Sometimes we do not even know that we are trying to do something that we are not even good at in the first place and because of this, we see ourselves as failures.

The last thing you can do is to create a short or long list of the sort of achievements and successes that you have been able to achieve over the past few years and what you need to do is to celebrate in some small way every one of them even if you have done it before. This is the feel good list that every self confidence instructor will tell their charges to make, and this list will help to get you back on track. Every time you are feeling down or you are feeling that you are slipping back, take a look at the list and if that is not enough, take a deep breath and assess what is going on with your life.

These are some of the things you can do to ensure that you do not slip too far into no confidence or a life of low self esteem. Life is short, and you need to enjoy it as best you can and sometimes, confidence in doing that is the only thing that you need to do to get back that zest and energy in life.

But the question here is why the need for a self esteem test in the first place. This is because it is very important to know just how high is it that we rate ourselves because of the fact that self esteem is highly tied to precepts like self confidence. Self confidence is one of the most important things when thinking about ambition. So do you see the chain developing here. A person with really low self esteem is extremely limited in the world, and there is so much that you cannot do is you believe that you are not good enough to do it in the first place. Self esteem tests are also very important because they give us the ability to measure just how much of ourselves we are confident in and allow psychologists to use tools like therapy so that issues can be corrected in the first place.

Think of the self esteem test as some sort of a quality control for the human personality that is flawed and unable to cope with the stresses of the world. Sometimes, we may not be aware of the fact that we have low self esteem and in this case, it is important to understand the subtle nuances of our personality and how a disbelief in the very smallest things in our own central makeup can lead us to be limited and unable to perform at our full capacity. This is why it is so important to have a self esteem test, and the thing is about this, is that you cannot wait until you realize that you have low self esteem before you take one. Look at the little things in life and see how you react to situations.

Do you have self confidence to be able to not be afraid of rejection and just go into a situation and do all you can. The process of learning is very much taken from the process of making mistakes, and people with low self esteem are at a disadvantage because of the very fact that they do not even get out there to make the mistakes needed for them to learn in the first place. This is why you need the help of a psychologist, and this is why you need a self esteem test.

Religious people might actually have a good idea. Next time, when you hear the chant of monks, the homily in a Catholic Church, the singing from the Gregorian, remember that it is a way of affirmation of themselves and of their faith. And you can use it to affirm yourselves.

People from all walks of life use affirmations to keep themselves going. Warriors, merchants, students, even politicians. This is because affirmations are a surefire way of reminding the self of their choices and their goals.

Affirmations are defined as declarations of the belief of an existence or truth of a thing. This is one of the foundations of self-confidence and the way one can deal with the world.

Sometimes we lose track of ourselves. It happens at work, taking care of the needs of your wife and kids. Or meeting your obligations at church or in your workout, sometimes we forget the “why” of things.

Most people go through life not setting goals. In fact, only three out of a hundred college students in the United States set goals. These 3% eventually go on to realize their goals and earn a higher income than the rest of the 97%. This is a startling figure. It means that goals are not taken seriously.

People with goals are more confident of themselves because they measure themselves against a benchmark. This has the effect of letting them know where they truly stand against the goals they set.

It may be understandable that people lose their way after they set the goals. This may have been a result of having no mechanism to constantly affirm their actions. Or there was no method set up to affirm the goals they have set, reminding them the reason for working long and hard.

When goals are forgotten, time is wasted. And the person loses his self-esteem, his confidence, and gives up.

It is therefore important to maintain a high self-confident attitude that does not depart from reality. The role affirmation plays on maintaining self-confidence is in the area of autosuggestion.

Autosuggestion is a declaration of an intention or a goal is stated over and over again until the mind of the person accepts the statement as truth. This type of affirmation is viewed positively and it mobilizes one’s resources and effort towards the attainment of the goals so stated.

It is also a means of harnessing the power of the subconscious in helping achieve goals. It is a form of self-hypnosis, usually accompanied by having a compelling vision with the statement; the person repetitively tries to live through the moment ad if it already happened.

Sports psychology has made use of autosuggestion and visualization to win games and this was proven time and again by claims made by athletes. It seems that human beings are quite good at mentally programming themselves to achieve a specific goal.

However, the opposite effect can also take place. One can repetitively place himself in a position where negative thought repeatedly bombard the mind into submission. The brain makes no distinction between a positive suggestion and a negative suggestion.

Therefore the wording of the affirmation is very important. It is always better to declare a statement in a positive sense instead of the negative because the mind does not hear any negative remarks.

For example, if one wants to stop smoking, his statement should not be “I will not smoke.” The mind can only perceive and accept it as “I will smoke.” It would always be better to say, “I will exercise daily to be healthy.”

The more positive the affirmation the more powerful the effect of the affirmation will have.

Affirmations must be stated everyday. It should the first thing done when one wakes up, before work is started, and before one goes to sleep. This is programming the mind for success.

Visualization is executed by seeing a future event in as great detail as one can. It must involve all the senses, even taste and smell. The objective is to create a compelling vision that the mind will readily accept as reality. If done correctly, the mind will subconsciously work towards the fulfillment of that desire.

The mind is a powerful tool for success. Because it is like a sponge, one must be careful what one or others put in it. Use affirmations and visualizations to clean up your mind as well.

Juris, a surgeon, was only three years old when he learned that one must fail in order to learn and to strive for more.  However, such philosophizing was not known to him then as he was still too young.  He only began to realize it as such when confronted with failure in his personal life and career.

His realization came hazily as his memories of such a tender age were faded by time.  What he can remember though, is that he was always striving hard to learn how to bike.  His mom and dad bought him a bike too big for his age and so he had difficulty in using the pedals.

Juris practiced his biking skills everyday, sometimes falling because he could not even reach the ground.  While his bicycle had a handbrake, he could remember using his feet to stop his bike whenever he feels like it.  Finally, his frustration has borne fruit because after weeks of daily practice, he has learned to stroll around the neighborhood with his bike.

Such a simple lesson from a child but every adult can learn so much from it.  Our society has placed so much emphasis on success that failure has become a dirty and much-avoided word.

Others rely on positive thinking to keep failure at bay.  While it helps, it also lulls a person into believing that nothing can go wrong, thus creating a false sense of security.

Failure may be a bitter pill to swallow but everyone must fail at one time in their lives.  However, as Juris’ experience has taught us, it is not the fact that you have failed that is important but the manner in which you have accepted and risen from such failure.

A person can either allow himself to be thwarted by failure, or he can use such failure to build up his determination to climb more mountains.  What is important is that the experience of failing was not for naught, because the person who failed learned something from the experience.

Those who fear failure should know that most successful people have failed one or more times in their lives.  But what made the difference is how they learned from the failure and how they used failure to succeed in life.  The real failures are those who fail once and then refuse to try anything ever again for fear that they might fail again.

The fear of failure creates anxiety due to the fear of not knowing and not being certain of what will happen next.  Most often, this results in a small problem being blown out of proportion.  The more a person thinks about the possibility of failing, the more he will jump to conclusions on the possible scenarios.  Unknowingly, his fear of failure has made a small problem bigger and more complicated.

A person who fears failure can become too competitive.  It forces him to treat every person and every opportunity as a threat.  This takes the joy out of doing something that should have been simple and without pressure.  Such a person becomes nervous and anxious.  The feeling of being pressured to do more and to exceed what is normal forces a person to be erratic and weary.

Fear of failure is normal.  How you deal with it can make the difference.  The best thing to do when confronted with fear of failure is to take inspiration from the reliable bamboo tree which bends when confronted with a strong wind, to keep itself from breaking, and to rise again when the wind has stopped.

First, a person must accept that he is not a perfect being, in fact nobody is.  A person has a right to err and to fail so you have to give yourself another chance and another day to fight your battle.

Always have a support group to lean on when the going gets rough so that you will not feel alone and rejected.  Most successful people rely on their families and friends when they are at their lowest point in their life.  Others rely on their dreams of making it to the top.

Whatever you do, do not keep the feeling of bitterness inside you because it will just build up and ruin you.  Talk about your fear and your frustration because it is the only way to get it out of your system.

Whoever said that failure is success turned inside out must have experienced failure at one or more times in his life.  Or else, how would he have known that failure is just success in disguise?

Hannah possesses a voice that can lull even angels to sleep.  She has that quality of voice that soothes the tired senses, and makes one feel relaxed and at ease.  However, her audience has yet to hear Hannah sing as she does not have the guts to do it in public.

She tried it once, when she was still in high school but it caused her shame and pain.  She can never forget that incident as she stood on the stage, holding the mike, without any voice coming out from her.  She was ready all right, but the sight of all those people looking at her made her voice disappear.

Ever since that humiliating experience, Hannah has never had the chance to sing in front of people again.  Not that she lacked opportunities; it’s just that she could not do it, not in front of an audience.  Her fear of performing in public has incapacitated her for life, or so she thought.

Fear is a strong emotion which is often caused by the knowledge of a lurking danger.  It is actually a person’s reaction to an actual or perceived danger to one’s self.  Sometimes, a person’s fear serves as a defense mechanism.

It is believed that fear is usually hereditary, as in the case of a child who may have inherited certain biological traits from his parents.  Such traits may have an effect on how a person’s brain chemicals regulate a person’s moods and how he reacts to stimulations that may cause fear.  A person’s present fears will also depend on her parents’ behavior particularly on how cautious they were, or how they reacted to danger.

Fear can be classified into many degrees but the most popular and common are phobia, panic and terror.  Phobia is an irrational and exaggerated fear of a particular situation or object.  Panic is usually characterized by a hysterical reaction to a certain stimulus.  Terror, on the other hand, is the greatest degree of fear, usually causing a person to become immobilized.

A person’s fear of other people is called Anthropophobia while fear of people in general or fear of society is called Sociophobia.  A person who regularly experiences anxiety or discomfort in the presence of other people may have this phobia.  People who have this phobia are still able to lead normal lives but they tend to avoid social events.  It is also commonly manifested in what we call stage fright or fear of performing in front of an audience.

A person who becomes frightened will have sweaty palms, feel butterflies in his stomach, experience a drying of the throat and mouth and start to have panic attacks.  Such fear can have serious effects on a person’s family life and career.   A person who is frightened, and who has no control over his fears, looses his freedom to act.

Fear of people may be a manifestation of a person’s shyness or lack of confidence in meeting other people.  A shy person avoids meeting people because he feels he is inferior to them.  A person who has no confidence in himself may fear meeting people whom he perceives are greater or more able than him.

There is a semblance of normalcy in fearing other people.  It is normal to fear people who have more power in their hands, or people who may have moral ascendancy over you.  It is also normal to fear performing in front of an audience especially if you are not used to being the center of attention.

While most of these fears are normal, a person should not let these fears take over his personality.  A person should acknowledge that he has these fears, and should do things to overcome such fears.  Or else, he will forever be incapacitated by his fears.

If you fear meeting people in general, then try going out in public more often.  Try the malls, they offer people from all walks of life.  Try to talk to the sale ladies or to other customers who seem friendly to you.  Talk about anything, comment on the weather, the recent news or other community affairs.

You can also start relating to people in your community because you will be more comfortable talking to them.  Try to talk one new person each day until you develop the habit of greeting people you encounter in the streets.  A simple good morning is enough to help you combat your shyness.  Take little steps and gradually experiment on speaking with groups of people.

DO not let your shyness overpower you.  You may have fears but other people are not exactly fear-less.  What is important is you acknowledge your fears and you do something to overcome them.

Fiona, a marketing specialist of one of the biggest malls in town, offered her hand to her client and then she stood up and walked out of the room with her head held high.  She was feeling so victorious after closing a million-dollar deal with a mall sponsor who agreed to shoulder the advertising expense for their new world campaign.  She can already hear her voice singing as she got inside her car and started the ignition.

To an onlooker, Fiona is a successful woman of the world, who would stop at nothing to get what she wants. Of course he is right.  However, the description would not have fit Fiona if it was made ten years ago, when she was still just out of college and pleasing everyone due to her fear of being rejected.

Yes Virginia, there are skeletons in Fiona’s closets but those are skeletons she would rather hang out in the often for everyone to see so that they may learn from her experience.

You see, Fiona was barely out of college and she had this unreasonable fear that she was not doing the right thing and that other people would not accept her for what she really is.   Deep inside, Fiona felt she was talented and beautiful but when faced with all the girls who were more experienced in life and career, she began to feel insecure and resorted to mimicking whatever they were doing or even what they were wearing.

The fear of rejection may have haunted each one of us at one time or another,  It may be caused by our fear of being and living alone, too much dependence on other people’s perception of us, lack of confidence and inability to control our own life.

Fear of rejection is a state of mind that makes a person feel inadequate, helpless and worthless.  It inhibits a person from doing or saying things because of the fear that other people might not accept him or disapprove of his actions and words.

A person who is so concerned about what others may think of him could make his own life miserable because he can no longer speak his own mind nor do things that he would normally do on his own.  The fear of rejection can paralyze a person and discourage him from being productive.

A person’s uniqueness disappears the moment he puts primary emphasis on what others want him to be.  A person too caught up with pleasing others will start to emulate other people from the way they dress and the way they behave in society.

This usually happens to young people who crave attention and acceptance but do not yet have enough basis for self acceptance.  This is detrimental to a person’s growth because there is no more room for self expression, only of self denial and the thought of pleasing others.

A person who fears being rejected can be characterized as:

1. A person who acts without confidence – A person who is not sure of himself will tend to imitate others and keep himself from trying new things.  Such lack of confidence will ultimately make such person unhappy and bitter.

2. Keeps opinion to himself – A person who is not vocal about his perception of things may be having trouble with rejection.  He may keep from voicing out his opinion for fear of being criticized.

3. Usually depressed – A person who does not have the freedom to speak for himself and to express his wants will soon become depressed and will no longer have a love for life.  He will tend to act like a remote-control robot that can not make his own decisions.

4. Confused about his true identity – A person who has fears of being rejected will end up confused about who he really is.  This will lead to an identity crisis and will make him angry at himself and at other people for no reason at all.

5. Lack of self esteem and self worth – A person who gives more importance to what others may think of him does not have much faith in himself to start with.  This lack of self esteem may have resulted from feelings of rejection instilled in him by his family or friends.

A person who fears rejection will ultimately be rejected by the people he wants to please and who love him dearly.  A person who has the tendency to please other people will soon get sucked into a difficult cycle of rejection.  His behavior will keep the people he cares about alienated from him.  He sees this as a rejection and then the cycle goes on and on.